dear sweet jesus dairy queen you never cease to amaze me
that fucking sucks…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
never a dull moment i suppose.
I don’t know why but days just tend to blend together more often then they stand apart. Its almost like drowning, you could never have dreamed that your lungs could hold so much water but for some reason you can’t stop breathing it in, as it covers you, holding you tightly in its arms never letting you go. Which reminds me, I fucking hate water, or atleast large bodies of it….. Only reason is because I am not an aquatic kid. Just a land runner. Its Monday again, the weekend passed so fast, with so many things i wanted to do, and most of them to afraid to do. You ever have this urges to just do something spontaneous, and i don’t mean like kiss someone when they are not expecting it. I mean true excitement, something that could get you in serious trouble but the adrenaline rush is worth it. The pump is worth it, and for that moment you feel as if you are unstoppable. You could take on the world for a whole 15 seconds until the high rolls away. On another note: I went to the gym today. 45mins not long, but then again it never takes me long to start sweating im sure that if i just sat there and thought about summer that i would start to flood new Orleans again. haha that was awful. And yeah all you crazy people who spend like 8 hours at the gym, i don’t give a fuck. Slow and steady wins the race, why do you think tanks were invented? (yes i do actually know why.) but thats besides the point. I ask myself all the time while I am at the gym “why do you even bother?” Truth be told subconscious I have no idea. Do I do it because I want to be seen, but even then wouldn’t that just attract the wrong people. If I did get all buff and cut, and people did start paying attention would I then start to feel like I should? FUCK NO, if i did get all big and cut I would stay in the same range that i have been just because it took that simple and conceded mind set to notice me. ohhhh no, I am going to sit there and taunt you, make you feel like a peace of shit for ever judging someone in such a hard way. And its not even just for me, its for everyone who has that same issue, born without a fucking six pack or the right eyes. I hate this thought process and yet i can’t say that i am not involved in it. My brain is tainted with the same ideals that i try to forget, its on the inside not on the outside, but you can’t stop it. when the motor starts turning it is kinda hard to stop with no breaks…. Note to self find brakes. Although the above is just a random assortment of shit I feel as if it has helped me in some way…. can’t really say how, but we will see. time for a 12 hour shift. IT BETTER FUCKING RAIN TODAY. just cause i don’t want to wash the car if it is.
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my glab is it really you?
have I not suffered enough? I’m sick of these FUCKING GAMES. I hate this fucking hope… Fury fury is something that I know all to well, and now it has gotten the better of me jealousy, paranoia ALL OF THESE THINGS have never lead me wrong. Never told me something that was not true. they are straight forward as clear as the day and as sinister as the night. Thats all i long for that fucking reset button, that so out of reach thought has never seemed to leave me alone.
WELL I FUCKING CAN’T.. Life isn’t some fucking video game where if you are losing you have to restart in hopes of correcting your mistakes. In life you just move on, you keep charging through all the shit until you reach what?!? Lies, cloaked behind mirrors of trust. Everything is a lie, there is only the future, and even that i can only see for long. My original plan will always work, always give me a way out, but i never wanted to make that choice. But as always paranoia and jealousy, you drive me to it, telling me its safe its locked down…..Solitude. peace of mind. relax…..breathe…..everything is going to be okay. everything is going to end up fine, with or without. Even that I know is not certain.
Friday night….Look at what i am doing? I’m here alone, lifting weights and walking around the neighborhood. I see this lady who is definitely going clubing, she has a red and black corset and a extremely short black skirt, that was basically see through, she was alone, but i can only think not for much longer. She would have something to look forward to tonight, is that bad? no not at all kinda what ever suits your fancy but now that I am sitting here in my dark house, mom asleep in her bed, i can only think how awful a mood my brain is going to keep me in. Just i never realized how this felt, and now that im truly thinking about it, and trying to find a way that i can be happy, i still have yet to think of something well there are a couple things but most of which i can’t do, or shouldn’t.